No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
