I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
