youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
