Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
