I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
