and she was petting her beer can
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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