YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
