If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm bleeding and have questions
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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