What did we do last night that was yellow?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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