just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
