she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
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And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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