I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
