Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
