your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
