I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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