Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
