And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
