Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
