Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
