Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
