Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
