Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
