My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
