remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
