I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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