I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Bring me that man meat
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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