I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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