my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
