Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
