Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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