You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
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It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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