I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
