the day after is always just damage control
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
