hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
