I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
