Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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