I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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