Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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