mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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