my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
