Come see our sink grown plant.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
