so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
