We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
