Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
