I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
