Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
