you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
