Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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