when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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