you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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