Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
