your parents love me but you hate me
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
