We need to rekindle our bromance
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
