life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
